My mind is still working. I know where I am. I know I’m thinking what I’m thinking.
I know I’m dead. Was painful. Not anymore. It was painful even before the end. The last half of my life was one blur of pain to another. Can you believe it?
I smile mentally to myself. An inner vision of humour. It is dark. Something missing. My eyes are closed. My mind open. The pain is gone. Nothing…. … just thoughts. I had expected it. Too much stress. Too much regret. I split up with my wife, never to see her again. Well, I guess that’s what I’d call it. I hadn’t seen that coming. But it’s strange how you see things when they have happened. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life. We met at the right time. We just kind of clicked. Another smile. The beginning was the only real life I had. We had got married three months later. We had moved to London. It had seemed the right thing to do. You know how you get carried along in life. We had been attracted, physically, but also aurally. Everything seemed to match. We had bought an apartment on North Central Street, uptown. Nice place. We could afford it. The start of a nice life, we said. Things happen in life you cannot explain. Occurrences which seem minute, which you are oblivious to. If you get any number of them happening together, your life changes.
It starts heading off in a different direction. You cannot stop it. You might not even recognise it’s happening. But it does. My life has been full of small occurrences. The pathway of life. I think back to childhood. Another smile. I cannot helping feeling humoured by my thoughts. Remembering my childhood had been difficult in my later life, but now images come flooding back. I guess this is what they call it when your lifetime flashes in front of your eyes. Retro memories, but making sense. Giving you a glimpse one last time of where you could have made different decisions, created different outcomes.. Looking back, seems like my whole world was this. my whole life, my name was Matt Gray. My name is Matt Gray. I think.
I won’t shake hands. I chuckle. I was never one for making jokes. The early part of my life I kept to myself. To be honest, all I can vividly remember is when I was in my early teens. Day or so after my thirteenth birthday. Yes, that’s right. I forget the year, it doesn’t matter. I was at school. I got arrested. That was the turning point. Got thrown in Criminal Security Detention. Spent a good five years in there. Learned a lot, lost a lot too. Came out. Managed to get a job, not much, but still a job. Met Susan, settled down, three months later got married. Started a life. But it ended. Things went wrong. Not too sure where or how. But it all blew up in my face. Shame I can’t rewind, and live those days again.
The argument happened, you know how it is. She stormed out of the house. It was insignificant, but at the time it was monumental. She got in our car, started the engine. We hadn’t had too much to drink, but I’d forced her hand. I got in next to her, trying to calm her down. I could see the intense hurt in her eyes. That drove her as she started the car. Twenty seconds later the car overran a corner, down a steep incline, and disintegrated in a cloud of fire as it struck the bottom of the ravine. I’m writing this down mentally, for me. Maybe I could print it out later? The jokes are flowing now. I’m trying to go over what happened, as best as I can remember, before I die and go. Hoping for redemption and forgivness maybe. I lost someone I loved, in a moment of stupidity. A moment of anger, and a moment of confusion.
I don’t even remember the cause, just the effect. I died that day. I was lucky. I was thrown from the car before it hit. A broken arm, bruised, and a loss. She died instantly at the bottom of the ravine. But I too died. Wish I could rewind. Rewind, then eject the sadness, regret, uselessness… too much, fading… And I died that day.
… beep. Slight Whirrr… Light…. Piercing light. Lulling female voice “game ended. insert credit. thank you..” You wake up. Your eyes are aching. Aching eyes, slightly stiff limbs. Opening your eyes you see a friend, looking at the screen.
He says “Hey cool, you nearly got through the car crash bit, nearly a high score. Neat.” You’re an eight year old boy. Disorientated. Unfamiliar surroundings.
Lived a life time already. You’ve aged years, can’t handle another lifetime. Not fair. You don’t want yourself to live that again. You reach for another credit… But you can learn, can’t you?
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